Ramblings

My sweet girl playing dress-up in a wig she got for Christmas. She is so happy because she finally has long hair.

I am beginning 2009 by reflecting on 2008. What were my favorite moments and what did I learn from them?

My favorite moment of the year was when the kiddos and I were able to join hubby in our new town. Hubby accepted a job in another town so for we lived apart for a period of six months. I learned to appreciate hubby for who he is. When he was home I ended up taking him for granted (incidentally, I just realized I’m doing that again…) so the time apart gave me a chance to improve my relationship with him.

Another favorite moment I have is having the courage to move my kiddos from a bad school situation and enrolling them in another school. It was also during that time period that I found out one of my children had Asperger’s Syndrome. Both of those situations brought out an inner strength in me that I didn’t know I had.

I find it interesting that my favorite moments were also my most painful. They were all very painful situations when I was going through them but now that I am able to look back on them they are my most favorite moments of the year. The song Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns is coming to mind as I am typing this.

Were your favorite moments also your most painful? What were your favorite moments of 2008?

Last night for the first time in six years I was drunk. Not tipsy, not buzzed, but d.r.u.n.k.

Not only was I drunk but I was chatting with my church group friends that I have only known for about a week. How embarrassing. I can’t believe I did that. What a statement I am making to my friends. It reminds me of the I love Jesus but I drink a little video I saw over at Whittaker Woman’s blog.

As embarrassing as it was I am glad that it happened. Being drunk and then hungover the next day opened my eyes to why I quit drinking in the first place. I can’t handle alcohol. There used to be a time in my life when I would question why I wanted a drink. What was the root reason to my wanting a drink? Once I knew the reason I was able to find another better way to pacify that want.

My husband and I have noticed that we have been drinking more than we used to. We used to have a glass of wine maybe twice a week. Slowly over time we moved to a beer in the evening. Then to save money we bought Captain Morgan to mix with our Cola since we were drinking Cola anyway. Then we were having several beers or a beer and Captain Morgan in the evenings. At one point several weeks ago, our extra refrigerator was filled with alcohol and we realized we needed to stop.

Unfortunately, last night I didn’t stop. I was thirsty so I would fix more wine. I can handle wine…no problem. Only it was a problem and it continued until I got sick. Yuck. Needless to say, I have figured out I have a problem with alcohol.

I spent today in prayer asking God why I felt like I had to have alcohol. He told me that I was using the alcohol to fill a need that I should be getting from him. I was replacing my relationship with him with alcohol. I was turning to alcohol instead of him. That really shook me up and I realized he was right.

I am still in prayer about this as I know there is more to uncover as I get to the root of the problem. I am going to start questioning my motives when I want a drink and am asking forgiveness from my church friends.

By the way, the kids were in bed asleep while I was drinking my wine and hubby wasn’t drinking at all. Just so you don’t think I’m completely irresponsible.

What about you? What do you struggle with?

Photo credit: Ingorrr

So much has happened lately yet everything is the same.

I’m not sure where I am yet I haven’t left.

Let’s see…mentally I have been packing and preparing for the move that is happening in a couple of months. April is a few days away so that means we are moving in about 8 weeks. Great. I’m so not ready. I have packed lots and lots of books. I have lots and lots more books to pack. I have lots of stuff to get rid of and mentally know what it is. I just haven’t physically done anything about it. All this mental activity is making me physically tired.

Went to my cousin’s Bridal Shower today. It was nice to see my family. I took my daughter and we had a girl day. Came home to a clean house because Hubby cleaned it while I was gone. Oh. He also did his own laundry. He’s a keeper all right. (He reminded that that’s not what I said when I came home. I was actually hurt that he cleaned because I thought he did it because I don’t clean good enough. Yes. Someone actually told me that recently. So when I came home I thought Hubby may have thought the same thing…he didn’t. He was trying to help.)

One of my kiddos has had a diagnosis of something that isn’t bad but I’ve been doing research. I’ve contacted the new school and explained to them what’s going on and they assured me they have experience in this area so I’m choosing to believe them. I am ecstatic to see how all the pieces are falling together. I can see God’s hand in this whole ordeal that has been going on since October. Finally we are getting somewhere and that is comforting.

I found a new wine I like. Cabernet Merlot. I usually drink Cabernet Sauvignon but Best Friend drinks Merlot so I decided to try a mix of the two. So far I’ve tried Black Opal’s Cabernet Merlot and am enjoying it. A lot. I would love to have more but…ok, one more glass.

I updated my checkbook. That’s good because I need to pay bills.

I am craving Ruffles and Lay’s French Onion dip.

I’m running out of things to say. Not really. I could keep going on and on but it would be nonsense so why bother.

Last night I dreamed I lived in a trailer park and our trailer had a deck. So we were hanging out on the deck asking the next door neighbor what kind of potted plants we had (apparently the plants came with trailer). Anyway, at some point she opened her door and I saw tubs and shelves filled with yarn. I was jealous. Then we were sitting on our deck and her teenage daughter offered to mow our lawn for donations to a missions trip so Hubby let her. Only instead of mowing our lawn, she and her friends sat on the rail of our deck smoking cigarettes. Then her mother started explaining to us that her daughter went to a Luthern School but they went to church in Wichita. They didn’t like the churches here but went to the Luthern School because…well…I don’t know why because Hubby woke me up at that point.

Why did I dream that? Why?

See. I told you I could keep going on and on.

I miss my friends. If you’re reading this know that you are loved and will definitely be missed. Yes, I’m getting sentimental. I haven’t had real friends like the ones I have now and am not certain I will ever have friends like these. I am forming relationships in our new town but nothing like the ones I have here. The ones here are God appointed friendships and I am thankful every day for each and every one of them. You know who you are. I love you and appreciate you very much.

All is well on the home front. Kiddos and I took advantage of Spring Break to stay with Hubby at our new home. Think of it as glorified camping for a family of four in Hubby’s bachelor pad. Not quite that bad but different indeed.

Our routine is totally thrown off. For the last two days, youngest has decided she no longer needs a nap. Therefore, she hasn’t taken one. Not because I haven’t tried but because she hasn’t gone to sleep.

I took the kiddos to the library and got a library card. I was amazed at how short the form was. I was like…this is it? I have a card now? Wow! The library is smaller than the one we have now but the kids section…they have toys. Toys. Kids.are.allowed.to.have.fun. How cool is that! Kiddos didn’t want to leave and a couple of them were crying when I finally dragged them away from the fun they clearly aren’t used to in a library.

I laid out in the sun while the kiddos played outside. There’s nothing like laying on a blanket letting the sun warm you up. I love the feel of sunshine on my skin and clothes. (One of my favorite things to do is grab a cuddle blanket and find a sunbeam in our home.) Oh, Sunbeam how I love you.

Found a local park and took the kiddos so they could run around, climb, and get out of my hair. For real. When youngest doesn’t take a nap she can get pretty cranky. It’s such a beautiful day and I want to be remembered as cool mom so I took them to have fun. (Besides, I can always hold this experience over their heads. Yes, you have to go to the yarn store with mom. Remember when I took you to the park? Well, it goes both ways. I do something fun with you and you do something fun with me.)

Trying to cook dinner. It’s so much fun to supposed to be on break only to have to care and provide for your family even when you are not at home. Does this even count as a break? Not for me anyway. Don’t worry. I’m still having fun. I figure if I say about a thousand more times it might actually come true.

This daylight savings time is killing me. Every time we have to change the clocks my body has a hard time adjusting.

For example, it is 10:00 pm. I should be going to bed but am wide awake. However, when my alarm goes off at 5:30 am it is going to be hard to crawl out of bed. Actually, I will snooze it for awhile and drag myself out of bed around 6:00 am. Still it is rough.

It’s also hard on the kiddos because they aren’t tired when they go to bed and don’t want to get up in the morning either. Oh well. We’ll adjust sometime and it won’t be a big deal.

I have a couple of fun things coming up. Tomorrow I get my hair cut by the infamous D! I’m so happy! I figured if I’m moving I should probably go to her since I’ve always wanted her to cut my hair. Never mind that by the time I need another cut I’ll be living in another town and will be looking for another hair stylist. Start praying for me now.

Second, I get to go visit Best Friend’s mom Friday and watch One Night With the King. I love that movie! Esther is one of my favorite women of the Bible. Bathsheba would be my favorite but Esther is pretty close to the top.

Yep. I have a happening life.

Know who you are. That’s a powerful statement. M, has been saying that over and over lately and I haven’t been getting it. Today while reading her blog I got it. I can only be me. I can only be myself. Take it or leave it. I am me. Like it or not this is who I am. Funny thing is, Hubby has been telling me this for years but it was finally put in a way that I understand.

I am not you nor do I want to be you. Quit comparing me. Quit trying to change me. It’s not your job, it’s the Holy Spirit’s job to make changes within me. My job is to be the woman God has created me to be and I’m pretty sure I am where I need to be.

I am who God has called me to be. I am a woman of many talents, many of which are different than others. Those differences are what me effective in my ministries.

How freeing to know who I am. Now, if I can only keep walking in it.

I have noticed that I bounce around in my hobbies and activities. Not only have I noticed but my husband has noticed it as well.

I’ll be into health and fitness for a few months and then all of a sudden I am reading all the time. Then a few weeks later I am blogging and reading blogs. Then I’m all into knitting and so on. After some time I will start the cycle over or pick up another activity that interests me.

Why am I not able to stick with one thing? Why do I bounce around? These are all activities I enjoy (well, maybe not health and fitness but I know that it’s important) but am not able to fit all of them into my day. I mean at some point I do have to take care of the toddler that is toddling around my home and eventually the other kiddos come home from school and expect me to take care of them also.

How can I find the balance? Balance is something I’ve been working on for years. I haven’t achieved it yet or I wouldn’t have asked Camy Tang to write about it. Balance is difficult for me. I have lots of things I want to do and not sure how to complete it all.

I don’t even know where I am going with this post… I just wanted to sit down and write and this is what fell out. Oh. That’s another thing…I want to write. I can add it to my list of things to juggle. I want to visit with my friends. Another thing to add. How can I balance all of it?

I finished the sweater I was knitting for my boys (ages 9 & 7…they were the same size). It fits my two year old daughter. Actually the sleeves fit the boys and the rest fits the two year old. I measured the sleeves to make sure they were long enough. I don’t know why I didn’t check the length. It never crossed my mind until I was almost done and thought “Hmmm. I wonder if this will be long enough”. Oh well. At least I have another child to wear it. She loves wearing her brothers’ clothes anyway.

I started the sweater I am knitting for myself. I learned a few things with the other sweater so I’m not afraid of attacking this one. I’m actually excited. I worked and worked on the gauge this morning so now I am ready to start knitting the sweater. I wouldn’t even mess with the gauge if it weren’t so important and I want to actually wear the sweater when I am done.

K came over for tea this morning and learned how to knit! Yea! I have another knitting buddy. It’s great getting together with everyone to knit and then move. Yea! Go me!

M called this morning with a question about something Pastor said Sunday. I convinced her to email him to get clarification…then let me know what he said. I figure if she has the question then she should ask him. M also mentioned she was still new to Christianity…if she’s new to this then what am I? I think she is so much more than I am.

I’ve been packing what I don’t need for the next couple of months. I’m not looking forward to moving and unpacking. I just wish I could wriggle my nose and POOF! everything is where it’s supposed to be and the clutter is gone. Boy, wouldn’t that be nice.

Today’s post has been brought to you by a woman who wants to be knitting and needs ideas for writing.