Photo Credit: daniellehelm

Earlier this evening I played a trending game on twitter, #10confessions. One of my confessions was that I have an eating disorder and have been in recovery for 19-20 years. I almost deleted the confession but decided what the heck I’ll toss it out there because it’s something I’d eventually tell my friends. What I didn’t know is that it would spark a conversation and DMs.

I mentioned losing weight is difficult because I can manipulate a diet and people will cheer me on. Those people… all they see is an overweight girl finally losing weight. They see her eating the right foods, exercising and losing weight. They are happy for her. They praise her efforts and this in turn makes the girl want to do better. What the people don’t know is she is hiding a private hell.

They don’t know that she takes the 1200 (or whatever) calorie diet, studies what she should be eating for breakfast, lunch, dinner then tweaks it. They don’t know she is not consuming all the food she is supposed to be eating. They don’t know she has taken the diet given to her and manipulated it because she is losing weight and wants more. She doesn’t look the way she envisions the way she thinks she should in her head. They don’t know that she is getting weak from lack of food but still putting all she can into her exercise regimen. No, they don’t know. They see a fatty finally losing weight and are happy for her.

I am not blaming the people. The people have no idea they are helping to feed the mental of the disorder. I make my own choices. I got here on my own just as I will get out on my own. I’ve had help before and the program was shut down. I still have the image of a young anorexic girl burned in my mind. She was somewhere between the age of 9-12 years old and was in my group therapy session. Her image is part of what has helped me to somewhat stay on track after the program closed. The more recent part of what helps me is my five year old daughter. I do not want her to every experience this hell. I struggle with every bite of food I take. When I eat out I feel as though everyone is judging me. I know they aren’t but I can’t get over that feeling. Eating in front of people is difficult for me. It has been worse ever since I’ve gained weight.

Life with an eating disorder is hell. Some days/weeks are better than others. Little things can trigger what I call the ‘psycho’….shopping for clothes, seeing photos of me, bathing suit shopping… sometimes it’s being in a store where none of the clothes will fit me… the mall… I avoid the mall… I hate the mall. Oh! Trying to find cute exercise clothes…ugh. My psycho… my eating disorder… my hell.

Photo Credit: taragulwell

…exercise…
Photo Credit: D Sharon Pruitt

…take classes and do homework…
Photo Credit: bjortklingd

…take care of the kiddos…
Photo Credit: foundphotoslj

…and keep everyone happy all at the same time?
Photo Credit: PinkMoose

I’m thinking this must be the month/year I am finally starting to face some of my fears.

Last month I enrolled in college after an eleven year break. I realized fear was the only thing holding me back so I took the plunge.

Today I joined our community gym. To some of you that may not seem like a big deal but to me it was huge.

You see, I’m overweight and have insecurity issues. I know that going to the gym will help me lose the weight yet I have been too scared of being the fat girl. It’s hard going into a gym filled with skinny people when you are a large girl.

It’s hard going into a gym knowing that others are going to make fun of you. Don’t tell me it doesn’t happen because my old pastor mentioned from the pulpit once how he and another guy would do that when people signed up for memberships and the other guy confirmed it.

That comment was made several years ago and I’m pretty sure Pastor didn’t mean it the way it sounded but it kept me from joining a gym for years. As a matter of fact, I didn’t do any form of exercise out in public for fear of being ridiculed. (Like I said, I have insecurity issues.)

Anyway, I’m tired of being overweight and if you look through my Weight Loss category you can see a few of my attempts at losing weight. Last November I joined our local Curves and fell in love with it. It’s all women and I wasn’t the only big girl there. I also had a great staff encouraging me and have lost 10 pounds since I’ve joined. However, they don’t offer child care and it’s getting difficult with Hubby’s work schedule for me to get there in time to workout.

Since child care is becoming a vital asset to my workout I quit Curves and joined our local community gym. A gym that has child care, classes, and an indoor walking/running track. A gym where there might be people who are making fun of the fat girl. And you know what? I don’t give a crap if they are making fun of me.

I realized I am letting what I think others are thinking of me ruin my loosing weight. How stupid is that!?! How did I get so insecure? Why do I care what they are thinking? I realized my health is more important that what I perceive others might be thinking.

For once I feel great about working out. I have finally found a program that is working for me. I’ve been doing the Couch Potato to 5K Running and found some podcasts that follow the program.

I have always wanted to jog/run but haven’t ever stuck to it because of child care and mental issues (mental issues being fear). I’ve tried the Couch Potato to 5K program before but I was doing it on an elliptical and it kicked my butt. Not only did doing it on an elliptical kick my butt but it was too difficult resetting the timer to run or walk and keep track of what running set I was on.

That’s where the podcasts come in. I found those on line, listened to part of the first one and was in heaven. Finally! I could actually see this becoming a reality! All I had to do was download the podcasts and go. The podcasts tell me when to warm up, when to run, when to walk, and what set I’m on. Not only that but it is set to music so I don’t get bored while exercising. I love it!

Not only am I getting over my fears but I’m also getting an excellent workout at the same time. I’m finally doing something for myself. I’m taking control of my weight. For the first time in years I can actually see the weight coming off and staying off.

Photo Credit: flem007_uk

I picked this book, Runner’s World Complete Book of Women’s Running: The Best Advice to Get Started, Stay Motivated, Lose Weight, Run Injury-Free, Be Safe, and Train for Any Distance (Runner’s World Complete Books),
up from the library discard pile for 50 cents last year. I haven’t read it but have been thinking about it this week.

You see, I think there might be a runner underneath all this extra weight. (Although I could be wrong and I’m not a runner at all.) I think about running quite often and whenever I’m out walking I just want to break into a run. (Sometimes I do and then the pain sets in and I stop.)

I’m not sure if I will ever get into running but every year I try and every year I wish I would have stayed with it.

Photo Credit: D’Arcy Norman

I had a different post planned for today. It was all typed, edited, and scheduled to publish, but God had other plans.

Last night at Lifegroup, Rebecca gave us a challenge for the week: maintaining our hope and patience when things don’t happen in the time we want them to.

For each of us this means different things. For me, it means my weight. I have struggled with my weight for quite some time. Hmm, like more than a decade. I haven’t always been big, but I have struggled with my weight. For a while I thought I was fat so I was making myself throw up and trying to starve myself. I eventually got help for my eating disorder and I was pretty much okay with how I looked until I had my first child.

I had never learned how to lose weight safely so I didn’t know what to do. I was scared to try to lose weight because I didn’t want to spiral back into bulimia. I wasn’t fat, but I could stand to lose a few pounds but didn’t know how.

Then I had my second child and was at my all-time biggest ever. I actually had to buy plus-size clothes. This also sent my self-esteem plummeting because I no longer felt attractive or worthy. I knew I had to do something about my weight but still didn’t know what to do. A friend was taking pills to lose weight but I didn’t want to do that. I made a vow that I was going to lose weight the proper way no matter what it took.

I was doing pretty good there for awhile. I was eating better. I was exercising. Even though I fell off the wagon every now and then I was slowly losing weight. I was starting to feel attractive again and starting to like myself. Then I found out I was pregnant. Great. I was finally getting somewhere and I had to start gaining again.

Only I didn’t gain weight this time. I lost weight. I had gestational diabetes with my third pregnancy and it ended up being a blessing in disguise. I met with a nutritionist who put me on a diabetic diet and for the first time I learned how to eat to control my blood sugar. (I’m hypoglycemic.) I also needed to walk for 10 minutes after eating. After my meals I would hop on the treadmill for 10 minutes walking at a slow pace. The diabetic counselor told me it didn’t matter how fast I walked as long as I walked. Between those two things, I started losing some weight and was looking pretty good.

After my third child I suffered from postpartum depression and gained back all the weight. Not only did I gain it back but I gained back more. I was now at the same weight I was when I was at my largest. I had to start wearing plus-size clothes again and spiraled further into depression.

All the while I’m still trying to lose weight but having no success. I read weight loss books, tried to follow them, tried several Christian based weight loss programs (I even led one at our church) but to no avail. I gave up. I couldn’t lose weight. I had pretty much determined that I would remain big for the rest of my life. I wanted something different but it wasn’t working. I would still continue eating healthy and exercising but knew deep in my heart that it wouldn’t work. Nothing would.

Until this morning. I was thinking about the challenge and the connection between hope and patience. That’s when it hit me. I don’t trust God to help me lose weight. I didn’t think God was big enough or powerful enough to help me on my weight loss journey. I hadn’t ever included him in my weight loss plans. I thought I did and said I did but in reality I didn’t because I didn’t trust him. I have always tried to lose weight on my own.

Not only that but I didn’t have the patience to continue with my weight loss efforts. I would compare myself to others, get discouraged and give up. Like giving up will get me anywhere. After a few months I would be tired of not doing anything so I would start trying to lose weight again. It was a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to stop. I still don’t know how to stop it.

I’m not sure how this revelation will affect my weight loss but for the first time in years I have hope. I have hope that one day the extra weight will be gone for good. It won’t be easy. I know that but I have hope. I have a God who cares and is bigger than the numbers on my scale.

Photo Credit: markhillary

It’s no secret that I need to lose weight. I have been struggling with my weight for a few years. I do great for a while and then fall off the wagon. I have finally come to realize that I can’t do this on my own.

As I was scanning our local paper the other day I came across several meetings for TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly). I looked them up online and they seem to be like Weight Watchers but more reasonably priced.

Another cool thing was they (TOPS) have a program called KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly). I liked that because I have wondered what to do once I lose the weight. How do I maintain and not gain the weight back.

Have you heard of TOPS? Do you know of anyone who has lost weight using them?

Photo credit: gotplaid?

At one point I had this post already written and ready to publish. All it was lacking was my weight picture. The original post was bitter. It displayed my frustration at eating right, exercising, and not losing any weight. I was sick and tired of it. It has been thirteen weeks and all I have to show for it is numbers on the scale that can’t make up their mind. Sometimes they are high and some days they are lower. They are not consistent. It sucks!

Fast forward to today. I was driving in my car and the word persevere popped into my head. My dictionary defines persevere as: to continue a course of action, ect. in spite of difficulty, opposition, etc.

Weight loss is not easy. It’s not easy eating healthy. It’s not easy to exercise especially on the days when I don’t feel like it. However, I have been consistent in meeting my goal. As a matter of fact, most of the time I have gone over my goal.

As frustrating as it can be, I have been committed to continuing this journey towards weight loss. I am so committed that week after week I meet my practical goal of exercise three times a week for at least 30 minutes. I blog about it and even post a picture of my weight. Believe me, it’s not easy posting a picture with large numbers on it.

Why do I do it? Because I’m committed. I signed up for this and I’m going to finish. I’m going to persevere even when it’s tough. I encourage you to join me in this endeavor, it’s not too late. Head over to Ragamuffin Soul and take the plunge.

This week was hard. I had no motivation to make my goal nor did I care if I made it or not. I had a lot of emotional eating and feeling blah. I just didn’t care.

Anyway, here’s my weight and I did make my goal but barely.

Also, hubby thought it would be cute to stand in the air-conditioned house and take pictures of me mowing the lawn. Wasn’t that nice of him. So in honor of his hard work, here’s one of his pictures.

Oh and be sure to check out the other participants progress in the Ragamuffin Top Challenge.

Last week I changed my goal from thirty minutes of exercise three days a week to sixty minutes of exercise three days a week. Although I met my goal I am officially changing back to my original goal.

I found sixty minutes was taxing on me mentally. Whenever I thought of exercising for sixty minutes I felt dread and didn’t want to do it. I even broke it up into two sections of thirty but having to do that extra thirty was miserable. I wasn’t even going to complete my goal this week because I was dreading having to exercise for an hour. I hated it.

What’s interesting is the reason I upped the goal to sixty minutes was because I was getting my thirty minutes in and continuing until I got to sixty minutes. When all I had to do was thirty minutes I was fine. I would cool down for a bit and then hop back on the elliptical and do another set of thirty minutes. I loved it.

I don’t know why one was mentally depleting me when I was exercising for the same amount of time but I got a better workout with my original goal. So that’s what I’m sticking with: exercise three days a week for at least thirty minutes.

By the way, here’s my weight.

This sucks because this is the first time in over a week that I’ve been 200.

Be sure to check out the progress of the other participants in the Ragamuffin Top Challenge.