I had a different post planned for today. It was all typed, edited, and scheduled to publish, but God had other plans.
Last night at Lifegroup, Rebecca gave us a challenge for the week: maintaining our hope and patience when things don’t happen in the time we want them to.
For each of us this means different things. For me, it means my weight. I have struggled with my weight for quite some time. Hmm, like more than a decade. I haven’t always been big, but I have struggled with my weight. For a while I thought I was fat so I was making myself throw up and trying to starve myself. I eventually got help for my eating disorder and I was pretty much okay with how I looked until I had my first child.
I had never learned how to lose weight safely so I didn’t know what to do. I was scared to try to lose weight because I didn’t want to spiral back into bulimia. I wasn’t fat, but I could stand to lose a few pounds but didn’t know how.
Then I had my second child and was at my all-time biggest ever. I actually had to buy plus-size clothes. This also sent my self-esteem plummeting because I no longer felt attractive or worthy. I knew I had to do something about my weight but still didn’t know what to do. A friend was taking pills to lose weight but I didn’t want to do that. I made a vow that I was going to lose weight the proper way no matter what it took.
I was doing pretty good there for awhile. I was eating better. I was exercising. Even though I fell off the wagon every now and then I was slowly losing weight. I was starting to feel attractive again and starting to like myself. Then I found out I was pregnant. Great. I was finally getting somewhere and I had to start gaining again.
Only I didn’t gain weight this time. I lost weight. I had gestational diabetes with my third pregnancy and it ended up being a blessing in disguise. I met with a nutritionist who put me on a diabetic diet and for the first time I learned how to eat to control my blood sugar. (I’m hypoglycemic.) I also needed to walk for 10 minutes after eating. After my meals I would hop on the treadmill for 10 minutes walking at a slow pace. The diabetic counselor told me it didn’t matter how fast I walked as long as I walked. Between those two things, I started losing some weight and was looking pretty good.
After my third child I suffered from postpartum depression and gained back all the weight. Not only did I gain it back but I gained back more. I was now at the same weight I was when I was at my largest. I had to start wearing plus-size clothes again and spiraled further into depression.
All the while I’m still trying to lose weight but having no success. I read weight loss books, tried to follow them, tried several Christian based weight loss programs (I even led one at our church) but to no avail. I gave up. I couldn’t lose weight. I had pretty much determined that I would remain big for the rest of my life. I wanted something different but it wasn’t working. I would still continue eating healthy and exercising but knew deep in my heart that it wouldn’t work. Nothing would.
Until this morning. I was thinking about the challenge and the connection between hope and patience. That’s when it hit me. I don’t trust God to help me lose weight. I didn’t think God was big enough or powerful enough to help me on my weight loss journey. I hadn’t ever included him in my weight loss plans. I thought I did and said I did but in reality I didn’t because I didn’t trust him. I have always tried to lose weight on my own.
Not only that but I didn’t have the patience to continue with my weight loss efforts. I would compare myself to others, get discouraged and give up. Like giving up will get me anywhere. After a few months I would be tired of not doing anything so I would start trying to lose weight again. It was a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to stop. I still don’t know how to stop it.
I’m not sure how this revelation will affect my weight loss but for the first time in years I have hope. I have hope that one day the extra weight will be gone for good. It won’t be easy. I know that but I have hope. I have a God who cares and is bigger than the numbers on my scale.
Photo Credit: markhillary
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